"Is this ALL there is? Is there Nothing More?"

Being a boomer, I find that most of life can be explained or illustrated using Star Trek, especially since the Universe saw fit to give us 5 different versions plus 7 or 8 movies and an animated cartoon series to boot. Some people feel the same way about The Godfather (I'm told). So I quote from Star Trek and use Star Trek episodes to illustrate things in my classroom all the time. So it is painful to watch as the years go by and fewer and fewer kids know anything about Star Trek. To quote another poet/singer, "What a drag it is gettin' old."

Anyway, as I was turning the lights out around midnight last night to go to sleep, I suddenly realized something quite profound. At long last, beyond all hope and with ways unlooked for, I have arrived as an adult. All those things I wished for in college and in my early 20's I now have in some measure. I always told myself and my friends, "I'm not asking to change the world, I just want to have a nice home with a nice job to provide my family's basic needs." Deep down I realize now that I secretly hoped my job would provide a lot more than my "basic needs" (food, clothing, shelter from the rain & cold) and I always envisioned myself living in a house where everyone has their own space and there is a nice view from the backyard of something. Not palatial - just maybe 2,000+ sq. ft or something like that.

Well, you know what they say, "Be careful what you wish for (out loud I mean)..."

Truth is, I have a wonderful family of 4 w/ my best friend in the world as my wife. I finally have some modicum of a career that provides a small but regular salary and enables me to meet my family's basic needs well enough I suppose. I know I AM grateful for my job! And we were finally able to purchase a home - it's only 1,300 sq.ft. and my kids have to double up in their rooms - not as spacious as my dream house but it's mine (and I never thought I would be able to afford even this so I'm seriously not griping). But as I turned out the lights, I realized that this may well be the house I turn out the lights in for the rest of my mortal life. In many ways, I thought, I would be quite blessed to have it that way. But at the same time, I found myself feeling quite melancholy and echoing the words of Spock in the 1st Star Trek movie - where after merging with V'ger he tries to explain the alien machine's state of mind. He tells Kirk and Co. about the history of the fomer earth probe that was equipped to learn everything in the galaxy and then report it to it's creator. He explains how it has come back to earth to do just that but can't believe that mankind is its creator - we are so puny! He says that the probe has done everything it is supposed to do and is now asking, "Is this all there is? Is there nothing more (to the universe and this existence I presume)?"

I just turned 45 last month. You are probably laughing about now and rolling your eyes about another dufus going through mid-life crisis. I don't know if that is what this is...but I DO find that I am not entirely sure I want my life to stay just like this until I die. I certainly don't mind living in this house or having this job for another 25 years. But there are still some things I feel are lacking about my life. I'm not sure what they are. But something inside tells me there IS something more. I really don't think it is a career move and heaven knows I don't want to move again. But still, there is something missing and it saddens me to realize it because I have a feeling it will not be easy to discover. But I may be wrong.