Funny thoughts (not mine own)

Gentle readers, I cannot claim the following witticisms as mine own - nor can I tell you where I got them - I came across them in an old Word document on my hard drive. So, to the fellow(s) out there who first came up with these funnies - than


For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

8. Is there another word for synonym?

9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

15. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

16. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

17. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

18. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

20. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

21. How is it possible to have a civil war?

22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

23. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

27. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

28. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?